If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
