nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
