You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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