The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize