I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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