2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
