God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
