Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
