is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
