I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
