Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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