First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
