Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
