I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize