i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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