Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
