Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
