Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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