I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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