im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
