the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
