I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize