My boss' voice literally gives me gas
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
