I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize