White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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