My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize