I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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