If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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