she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
