What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
