I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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