wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
