I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
