I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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