Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
