you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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