Got a toothbrush?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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