the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
