i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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