i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
