I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
