Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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