Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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