low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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