All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you never un-have a 4some
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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