the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
