It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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