At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
