Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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