well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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