sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize