man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
