When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's shark week go big or go home
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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