Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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