This is not my ceiling
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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