jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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