let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
