I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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