i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
