i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
