ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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